Going Where No Man Has Gone Before

Tomorrow I’m having a colonoscopy.  In case you haven’t had that experience it’s when a camera crew takes a trip up into your colon to make sure everything is OK.

It has nothing to do with the prostate cancer, it’s a routine exam recommended every 10 years and I’m due.  In fact, it was originally scheduled for December 29 but I had to reschedule it because that’s when my prostate surgery was scheduled.

All of today I’m on a liquid diet.  Coffee and tea are OK, but no cream.  Jell-O, Popsicles and Gatorade are OK as long as they’re not red, purple or orange in color – not a favorite gastro color I guess.  And then there are those liquid diet favorites – beef and chicken broth – yum, that sets the saliva glands afire.

Then tonight I start that wonderful process of Spring cleaning.  For taste purposes I’ll leave it at that.

So, to keep my mind in a good place here is some colonoscopy humor (I apologize up front for being so crude) …

Supposedly, these are real comments made by colonoscopy patients (darn, all the good ones are taken)…

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"
7. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
8. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
9. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"
10. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there."

In case you don’t have insurance, you can always go to Mexico for your colonoscopy…

Finally, a joke that sums it all up…

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge of the body.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, “because I run all the body's systems. Without me nothing would happen." 

"I should be in charge," said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all throughout the body. Without me you'd all waste away." 

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, “because I process food and give energy to all of you.  Without me you would starve.”

"I should be in charge," said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.  Without me you would be stuck in one place." 

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, “because I allow the body to see where it goes.  Without me you would all be blind." 

Finally, the rectum said "I should be in charge because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at and insulted the rectum. So, in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. 

Finally, they all decided that the rectum really is the boss of the body. 

The moral of the story? (scroll down)

The a..hole is usually the one in charge.

(Once again, sorry for the somewhat crude post.)